My thoughts on the final Kane Hodder shows

I have not written on this blog in a long while but if there was ever an appropriate time to kick start it, this is it.
On the dates of December 18th and 19th, Kane Hodder, a band for whom I was vocalist and principle songwriter for the better part of 7 years will be calling it quits. I'd like to think myself capable of delivering to you a beautiful recollection of the times and trials that had been endured by all who had played under the moniker, and perhaps someday I will do just that, but at the moment I do not have the will to write such things.
What I will say is this: when Kane Hodder returned from our latest trip to Japan in June of this year, I held no delusions of ever performing with them again. Not to say that it did not pain me to feel such a way, but things had turned in such a way that somewhere along the way, my joy in music had been stripped of me. The real tragedy of that situation was the ten or so songs that we would leave behind. They were amazing, some of my best work and undoubtedly our best work in the current incarnation. Some day, I hope to complete that work
When I was asked to take part in this reunion of sorts with those whom I had more or less began the journey with, I felt pangs of that joy once more, but I never thought that it would be anything more than a fun, but ultimately pitiful grasp at a past glory. But things have certainly changed and I see myself eager to bare my soul for my friends once more.
But still, my thoughts are complicated to say the least.
Two nights ago I stood with a group of people that had not been assembled in three years and we began playing songs that I had written in my lonely apartment in Bremerton. I became flooded with images of good times and bad times, of friends gained and of friends lost and even so, I felt a twinge of regret.
Aaron and Jerome bled for us when they did not have to. When they joined our ranks, I was ecstatic beyond account, and those feeling have not ebbed. However, how different would things have been if we had dropped our moniker and began a new journey as a new family?
I do not regret my time with them in the slightest, but sometimes I regret how that time was spent. I listen to the absolutely amazing songs that we wrote between the five of us and I mourn for the band that could have been. We could have been unstoppable, but we chose to chase a dream that had died off.
I do not wish to belittle any of the things that we did, and I do not wish to discount the multitudes of people who stood by us through thick and thin; when I think of all the people that Kane Hodder has brought into my life, I count myself among the luckiest of all people. I merely wish to properly enunciate the bittersweet duality that I am feeling. I do not doubt that when I am onstage this weekend that I will become overwhelmed with an emotion that I do not feel often.
I have no excuses for the way things have played out and I refuse to make them. Since becoming a father, I have found myself less and less willing to fight for the past. I will celebrate it; I will celebrate it to lengths the likes of which few have ever seen, but I will not mourn it. I have not decided to do this for myself; I said goodbye to Kane Hodder months ago. But for all of you who have stood by us, who have sang and cheered and even for those who have reviled us, I realize that my life would be incomplete if I did not say goodbye to you.
Over the years, Kane Hodder lost sight of its guiding ideal. This weekend I will stand before you to show that I have remembered that you are all the ideal that we were chasing in those early days. Touring and dreams of success were the poisons that drew us away from you. We became wicked, playing for monetary gain only. And even as the fans dwindled, we still chased a fevered dream of achievement when it was in actuality our ideals that we had abandoned.
This weekend I will beg your forgiveness as I cleave my throat into pieces.